This is an area of question that's been percolating in me for some time now! Especially with more and more of my work happening in the online sphere.
Here's the thing, it’s rather easy for me to celebrate my joys on the socials for all to see, and to share and guide from a place of feeling fabulous, connected, and clear.
But I often struggle with (and avoid) sharing or showing up in my pain, grief, sadness, confusion, or frustration with the same level of transparency. In these moments, I tend to tap out of the social realms and go into my cave of inner healing.
Perhaps I hide in moments of collapse because I don’t want to be seen as a failure nor anything less than perfect, nor criticized for my choices, nor have the entire internet know the depths of my bowels and potentially rub the shit in my face when I resurface.
For example, in romantic relationships, I wax poetic about the love story of coming together, and share our joyful moments freely. But when the love bubble bursts (as I’ve recently experienced… again), I want to run and hide with my tail between my legs, and nurse myself back to homeostasis. The last thing I want to do is post openly about it.
And that’s perfectly OK to acknowledge without layering more shame on top of it.
Most of us have been brought up in cultures that shame 'failure', reward 'success' and praise the keeping up of tidy appearances. And, most of us are much more messy than we let on.
You know that perfect house that you envy? Everything in it's perfect place, not a single spot of dust. Wow... they're really impeccable, aren't they? But, have you ever opened their closet and seen a gigantic pile of junk tumble out? I have. And that house was mine. ;)
But here's the thing... in my work, I invite my clients to open to a space of vulnerability that is beyond their comfort zone, because this is where transformation and healing happens. Of course, this is within the safe and private container of our sessions, not in a public online forum. But it does make me reflect upon whether or not I'm truly being the model of vulnerability and authenticity that I'd like to see in the world.
There's a shadow side of vulnerability too, one that is driven by the ever-so-sneaky ego. I’ve seen a growing trend of overt vulnerability (for the sake of #vulnerability) on social media, with folks sharing every teardrop and heartbreak and moment of distress in a way that leaves nothing sacred or private. And it makes me wonder why someone would want to share every little gritty detail of their life with perfect strangers. Is it all just a plot to drive up the 'likes'?
Again, that’s perfectly OK to acknowledge and question without layering judgement on top of it.
So, maybe there’s an opportunity to swim in the gray area, lift the veils of 'right' and 'wrong', and arrange a meeting in the middle...
For me, it's becoming more and more clear that an honest and humble acknowledgement of my own layered and messy humanness is in turn a compassionate acknowledgement of yours, offering permission for all of us to be, just as we are. And from there we can find common ground, trust, and a fertile place to start the deeper journeys of discovery. This is of course an ongoing process of checking in with truth and integrity, and reflecting on the honest 'why' behind the shares.
And, on the flip side, when I am honouring my digital boundaries and tending to any arising need for private space to self-soothe, this act becomes an open invitation for you to honour and care for the same in you. Because let's face it, our entire lives do not need to be lived online. And it's probably not healthy for any of us. We need sacred spaces and experiences that are just for us, probably increasingly so in a world of hyper voyeurism. So, going into the cave is sometimes a great idea. Just don't get stuck there.
Most importantly, awareness, self love and acceptance must come first!
When we begin to notice and then lovingly care for the voice of the self-critic or internal judge, and simultaneously see and embrace the ego that seeks validation, we open to a willingness to witness it all as perfectly imperfect.
With this loving awareness, perhaps we can be as open about our pain, as we are with our joys. With our own, and within our communities. We might allow ourselves to be seen and loved in all our wild weirdness, and also become open to seeing and loving others in theirs.
Like all journeys, it begins with one step. And then another. And then another.
See you on the path! :)
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